Sunday, March 22, 2009

angels' wings


Nope. No way, no how. Nu-uh. Not gonna do it. Digging in my heels. Kickin' and screamin'. Not gonna go...except that I have to. Somehow, tomorrow morning I have to look into those beautiful brown eyes and say goodbye as I go back to work....for a long, long, long 12 hour shift. I just can't stand even thinking about it. About how badly I'm gonna miss him. How my arms are gonna ache to hold him. I'll want to sniff his little head. And kiss his neck. and his mouth. Cause I'm his mom. I've been with him every single day for 12 weeks. I know him.

I remember going to get pictures made when he was just a few weeks old. I don't remember much from the first, oh, six weeks...seems like such a blur, like I was in a fog that wouldn't lift. But I remember the photographer asking me how he liked to be held. Was there a certain side he preferred? We were still getting to know each other and I didn't know. I thought, "How will I ever know?"

Well, now I know. I know that he likes his bouncy seat, but only while the vibrations are on. And he likes his play mat for a little while, but only with the music and lights on. He likes to sleep propped up in his boppy. I know that when he gets sleepy his little eyebrows turn red. And that's the only time he wants his paci, and to be cradled like a baby, and swayed from side to side. Not bounced. Bouncing is for when he's fussy. And I know his sounds, his different cries. I can tell when he's hungry or fussy. I know that he loves his feet rubbed, but not his head. Sometimes when he's nursing, I'll rub his soft, little feet. And if I stop before he's ready, he'll make a little whimper. And he'll pick that little foot up and plop it right back down in my hand. No lie. He already knows how to get what he wants. He likes to hold hands....well, his whole, tiny little hand, and my finger. I know that he knows that I'm his momma.

But will he understand tomorrow when his momma leaves? It's gonna be THE-HARDEST-THING that I have ever done in my entire life. How am I going to make myself walk out that door? And I know that he'll be SO LOVED and taken care of while I'm away. I'm a very lucky girl in the fact that I have family taking care of him. He'll actually be spoiled rotten. And I'm also grateful that I have a good job to go back to. I never thought I'd not want to go back to work. I mean, I got a bachelor's degree and a doctorate so that I could work, so I could help people....and I've got the student loan payment to prove it. But I'd rather get paid to be a mommy :)

So, if you're reading this, say a prayer for me. Actually, say two. I'm going to need angels' wings to carry me out the door.

9 comments:

Precious Moments said...

I will pray for you. I can't imagine how hard that is going to be...but just know that he will always know how much you love him! I promise....hang in there tomorrow, and know that you are a good mom :) I will be thinking of you.

Stephanie Wood Smith said...

Oh my gosh. I haven't cried so hard in a long time, but your blog just made me cry for you!!! I will pray for you!!!! Good luck Sarah!!!!

The Bertram's said...

Sarah - such a sweet post. I will be praying for you. Zane is a lucky baby to have a mom who loves and knows him so well. I can't imagine how you are feeling - but Zane will be fine.
Devin

laurie said...

you brought tears to my eyes with this one, and i don't envy you at all.......i'm 26 years old and my mom STILL says these sorts of things! she remembers all kinds of stuff, mostly the hours we spent in a rocking chair reading books, time she says she'd never trade...i'll say a prayer for you tomorrow sarah, and i know the Good Lord will carry you through!

Chris & Whitney said...

I'm sitting here crying like a baby for you. And praying...I'd just texted you before I read this. You'll be fine...Zane will be fine, and he'll be so busy with getting spoiled today, the day will go by fast and before he knows it, his mommy will be walking through that door. And I pray the same for you. That you're so busy the only thing you have time to do is pump!! HA! And yes, I'm praying that will work out perfectly too...I know you were concerned. That will be fine too!!! I love you! And will be praying!

amywelborn said...

Sarah, this brought tears to my eyes...I said a prayer for all three of you. I'm sure the first day will be the hardest, but it will get easier. And just think how happy the lil guy will be to see you when you get home.

You will still always be the one who really knows how your baby likes to be held and what he wants...no one will ever know him like you do!

Ashley said...

what a beautifully written and heartfelt post! this describes exactly how a mother feels. i will pray that the Lord brings nothing but good things out of your going back to work! good luck!

Amanda said...

Aww, this almost made me cry. I hope you have the best first day back possible, what a sweet sweet post.

Jordan said...

This is one time where I can say I know exactly how you are feeling. It's horrible, but it does get easier. I will be praying for you-you're such a wonderful mommy, and Zane knows that :)