angels' wings

Nope. No way, no how. Nu-uh. Not gonna do it. Digging in my heels. Kickin' and screamin'. Not gonna go...except that I have to. Somehow, tomorrow morning I have to look into those beautiful brown eyes and say goodbye as I go back to work....for a long, long, long 12 hour shift. I just can't stand even thinking about it. About how badly I'm gonna miss him. How my arms are gonna ache to hold him. I'll want to sniff his little head. And kiss his neck. and his mouth. Cause I'm his mom. I've been with him every single day for 12 weeks. I know him.

I remember going to get pictures made when he was just a few weeks old. I don't remember much from the first, oh, six weeks...seems like such a blur, like I was in a fog that wouldn't lift. But I remember the photographer asking me how he liked to be held. Was there a certain side he preferred? We were still getting to know each other and I didn't know. I thought, "How will I ever know?"

Well, now I know. I know that he likes his bouncy seat, but only while the vibrations are on. And he likes his play mat for a little while, but only with the music and lights on. He likes to sleep propped up in his boppy. I know that when he gets sleepy his little eyebrows turn red. And that's the only time he wants his paci, and to be cradled like a baby, and swayed from side to side. Not bounced. Bouncing is for when he's fussy. And I know his sounds, his different cries. I can tell when he's hungry or fussy. I know that he loves his feet rubbed, but not his head. Sometimes when he's nursing, I'll rub his soft, little feet. And if I stop before he's ready, he'll make a little whimper. And he'll pick that little foot up and plop it right back down in my hand. No lie. He already knows how to get what he wants. He likes to hold hands....well, his whole, tiny little hand, and my finger. I know that he knows that I'm his momma.

But will he understand tomorrow when his momma leaves? It's gonna be THE-HARDEST-THING that I have ever done in my entire life. How am I going to make myself walk out that door? And I know that he'll be SO LOVED and taken care of while I'm away. I'm a very lucky girl in the fact that I have family taking care of him. He'll actually be spoiled rotten. And I'm also grateful that I have a good job to go back to. I never thought I'd not want to go back to work. I mean, I got a bachelor's degree and a doctorate so that I could work, so I could help people....and I've got the student loan payment to prove it. But I'd rather get paid to be a mommy :)

So, if you're reading this, say a prayer for me. Actually, say two. I'm going to need angels' wings to carry me out the door.